Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Breaking Bad's Saul Goodman Presents: "The Defense Never Rests - The Case for Hank Schrader"

My apologies to the court for my lateness. The ol' Saulmobile blew out a tire on the way over here, and if you think I was gonna get down on my hands and knees in this outfit, you're crazier than most of my free-as-a-bird clients. This suit cost me almost $200! Anyway, if you'll indulge me for one more moment, as I haven't even had time to see who my client is, much less go over the case...

(looks at file, then sees who's seated a few feet away)

Him? Are you kidding me? His wife was one thing, but...I mean, he's the joker I wanna rip apart in court, not build up.  No offense, ASAC Schrader, but I'm not the guy for your defense--

(Saul looks past the gaggle of spectators and locks eyes with a rather imposing gentlemen. The stone-faced man slowly shakes his head, leading Saul to mutter to himself: "First Fring, then the teacher, now this?  I just can't get a break...")

Ahem...I have in my hand a file...the case against my (closes eyes for a few seconds before proceeding) client ASAC Hank Schrader. Now I bet you all like magic. Who doesn't? When I was a young lad, I always wanted a magician at my party instead of clowns. Of course I'd also rather be considered a magician in court rather than a clown -- something I think even ASAC Schrader has called me once or twice. But today, I'm sure he's hoping for a wave of a magic wand rather than a fart from a whoopie cushion.

Let's look at this case.  This file's so thin we should have a telethon for it. George Clooney and Bob Geldof are airdropping crates as we speak...

(opens file and shakes it out...a single sheet of paper floats out, coming to rest in front of Saul)

Ooh, one whole sheet of paper.  Now what do we have here...has made frequent racist and prejudicial comments in regards to Mexicans.  Please, who are we kidding? The man's partner for most of his career is a Mexican American who bounces each crack back with a Caucasian zinger -- does that make Steven Gomez anti-white people?

(Saul turns to Schrader and whispers, "He's not, right?" Hank rolls his eyes and shakes his head no)

So the charge itself is patently offensive, which defeats its whole purpose. Ala-kazaam -- adios charges of racism.

(Saul rips the top third of the paper off, crumpling it and tossing it away)

Next...with unrestrained force, he did severely beat one Jesse Pinkman, who was unarmed at the time. This again? First off, if Mister Pinkman has chosen not to pursue charges against my client, is it even appropriate that we should decide to pick the scab off this healing wound? I think not.

Secondly, you all met the lovely Mrs. Schrader last week.  A wonderful and caring woman, and my client was deceived into thinking she had been in a horrible car accident. While I simply can't imagine what sort of person could have made such a call to trick ASAC Schrader, but I can imagine how I'd feel. How YOU would feel. How ANY OF US would feel. The very fact that Mister Pinkman is still counted among the living is proof that ASAC Schrader did in fact use restraint in his encounter -- so hocus pocus, I submit that this charge is false as well.

(Saul rips another huge section of the paper away, balling it up and tossing it over his shoulder. Only a tiny slip of paper remains...)

Now what's left...the cold and cruel treatment of his wife during his recovery and rehabilitation. Is that a crime now? Being mean to your wife? Uh oh, better lock up almost half the country then. Even if we put aside how this strong and proud man was reduced to being treated like a newborn baby, do you not remember his wife from last week? An awful and irritating woman, and my client was forced to deal with this hen-pecker with no reprieve for weeks? 

And whether you agree his miserable bedridden manner was justified, just as with the charges relating to Mister Pinkman, if Mrs. Schrader herself is still standing by her husband's side, then who are we to side against him?

Abra-kadabra (the tiny slip of paper catches fire and is an immediate sizzling strip of ash).
No charges, no case, no problem.

The defense rests.

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