Friday, July 19, 2013

Breaking Bad's Saul Goodman Presents: "The Defense Never Rests - The Case for Marie Schrader"

If it pleases the court of public opinion, my name is Saul Goodman and I'm here to speak on behalf of one (flips through files) Dong Pow Ching.  Wait, is that a name or a Batman sound effect?  I see here that Mister Ching was caught behind his eating establishment molesting a small animal, a kitty to be precise. Molesting? Please. I think we're confusing bestiality of a mouser with the specialty of the house, er...what? Dong is wrong?  Let me see here (thumbs through files again, finally pulling out a lavender folder).  Oh, it's the Marie Schrader case. Big fan of her chubby hubby, BIG fan (rolls eyes). So let's see what we have here...

It says here she's a big mouthed busybody, she incessantly nags and gossips, and she's never wrong. That's a crime? Then you might as well lock up every wife from sea to shining See You Next Tuesday. This isn't an indictment of my client; it's an indictment of the institution of marriage. Didn't the Supreme Court just strike down anti-marriage legislation, and here I see someone's trying to build those walls right back up.  Well, I for one cannot stand idly by while watching our freedoms erode as the walls of prejudice and hate are erected all around us. I say tear those walls down! Who's with me, say it loud and say it proud: Tear Those Walls Down!

Besides, this country was founded on big mouths. You couldn't shut up most of those founding fathers. Jefferson was the biggest blabbermouth in Virginia. And today, the big mouths are the whistle blowers, the trendsetters, the people who make this country great.  You take away those flapping gums, those runaway chatterboxes -- you take away what makes this the greatest country in the known universe.

There's more?  Let me see (skims through file one more time)...she's been busted for shoplifting? C'mon, we all go through a little Winona phase. Who here hasn't stolen something at one time or another? This little blonde honey in the front row, she's already stolen my heart, should she be put in chains? Actually, that's not a bad idea...(whispers) here's my card honey...for a good time later, better call Saul!

Where was I?  Right, our little purple princess and these violet, I mean vile accusations of theft. Oh, she pled guilty before? Well, then it's clear she suffers from kleptomania.  A disease, ladies and gentlemen. So are we now in the business of imprisoning the sad, sick and diseased among us? Are we going down the road of reviving leper colonies to quarantine those who just need our love and guidance?  

I bet each one of you has a loved one or two suffering from something.  Heart disease, diabetes...heck, I could tell you a story about a client of mine with cancer, but I can't -- you know, attorney/client privilege and all. Are we now advocating tossing all of these unfortunate souls in the clink because of a little cough? That's not my America. That's Hitler's America, and I for one am not going to stand here and let Hitler rise from his bunker grave to take over this great land of ours! If there's one thing I can honestly say about Marie Schrader, it's that she hates Nazis.

So if you're against love, hate freedom and would prefer to exterminate the unhealthy and see the Nazis fly their flag from the top of the White House -- then you should find Marie Schrader guilty. Case closed, see you at the camp.

But if you love this country, love humanity, think freedom's kinda cool and want to keep Hitler dead and buried where he belongs -- then you will find Marie Schrader innocent as a newborn baby left in the freshly fallen snow.

The defense rests.


  1. Saul's defense was great, but what were the charges again?

  2. I asked Saul about that. This is what he had to say:

    "Is this woman on the jury? Is she that B37 person -- and you know what the B stands for, right? Oh, a friend of yours, well, then that B stands for a BRILLIANT observation, of course.

    This isn't about charges that would be brought before a court of law. It's not about actual crimes and jail sentences and right and wrong -- at least not until I say it is. If you read back my opening statement earlier this week -- what did I say? Hey honey, read that back for me?

    Wow, are the court stenographers getting cuter or am I getting blinder?

    Yeah, that's it -- it's the court of public OPINION. All I'm here to do is to stick a fork in the masses' perception of each of these fine upstanding citizens -- to see if they're done, or if I can cook up an all new perception of my clients, be they Schraders, Whites or one Mister Pinkman."

  3. Since when are there court stenographers in the court of public opinion? And, can you give Saul my number?

  4. Passed this on to Saul. Here's what he had to say:

    "I see someone didn't make it to far into the Wonka factory. It's all about imagination, dearie. Like the minds and nimble Peruvian fingers that designed this tie, you gotta tap that, not THOSE...your head, for Chrissakes...and use that mind's eye to paint the picture.

    There's still a courtroom, there's even live spectators. But it's the good people OUT THERE who are the judge and the jury. But of course there's a stenographer. Jeez Louise and Pretty Please, who else is transcribing all of this for this guy's blog.

    And if this leggy legume from the peanut gallery has a case...just let her know that she Better Call Saul!"

  5. You can tell Saul that MY Wonkavator goes all the way to the top floor and beyond (and I'm referring to the original classic Wonka-- none of this Depp shit). And, you can also tell Saul that I've definitely got HIS number and I left a message on his answering machine.