If it pleases the court of public opinion, my name is Saul Goodman and I'm here to speak on behalf of one (flips through files) Dong Pow Ching. Wait, is that a name or a Batman sound effect? I see here that Mister Ching was caught behind his eating establishment molesting a small animal, a kitty to be precise. Molesting? Please. I think we're confusing bestiality of a mouser with the specialty of the house, er...what? Dong is wrong? Let me see here (thumbs through files again, finally pulling out a lavender folder). Oh, it's the Marie Schrader case. Big fan of her chubby hubby, BIG fan (rolls eyes). So let's see what we have here...
It says here she's a big mouthed busybody, she incessantly nags and gossips, and she's never wrong. That's a crime? Then you might as well lock up every wife from sea to shining See You Next Tuesday. This isn't an indictment of my client; it's an indictment of the institution of marriage. Didn't the Supreme Court just strike down anti-marriage legislation, and here I see someone's trying to build those walls right back up. Well, I for one cannot stand idly by while watching our freedoms erode as the walls of prejudice and hate are erected all around us. I say tear those walls down! Who's with me, say it loud and say it proud: Tear Those Walls Down!
Besides, this country was founded on big mouths. You couldn't shut up most of those founding fathers. Jefferson was the biggest blabbermouth in Virginia. And today, the big mouths are the whistle blowers, the trendsetters, the people who make this country great. You take away those flapping gums, those runaway chatterboxes -- you take away what makes this the greatest country in the known universe.
There's more? Let me see (skims through file one more time)...she's been busted for shoplifting? C'mon, we all go through a little Winona phase. Who here hasn't stolen something at one time or another? This little blonde honey in the front row, she's already stolen my heart, should she be put in chains? Actually, that's not a bad idea...(whispers) here's my card honey...for a good time later, better call Saul!
Where was I? Right, our little purple princess and these violet, I mean vile accusations of theft. Oh, she pled guilty before? Well, then it's clear she suffers from kleptomania. A disease, ladies and gentlemen. So are we now in the business of imprisoning the sad, sick and diseased among us? Are we going down the road of reviving leper colonies to quarantine those who just need our love and guidance?
I bet each one of you has a loved one or two suffering from something. Heart disease, diabetes...heck, I could tell you a story about a client of mine with cancer, but I can't -- you know, attorney/client privilege and all. Are we now advocating tossing all of these unfortunate souls in the clink because of a little cough? That's not my America. That's Hitler's America, and I for one am not going to stand here and let Hitler rise from his bunker grave to take over this great land of ours! If there's one thing I can honestly say about Marie Schrader, it's that she hates Nazis.
So if you're against love, hate freedom and would prefer to exterminate the unhealthy and see the Nazis fly their flag from the top of the White House -- then you should find Marie Schrader guilty. Case closed, see you at the camp.
But if you love this country, love humanity, think freedom's kinda cool and want to keep Hitler dead and buried where he belongs -- then you will find Marie Schrader innocent as a newborn baby left in the freshly fallen snow.
The defense rests.