Monday, August 5, 2013

Breaking Bad's Saul Goodman Presents: "The Defense Never Rests - The Case for Skyler White"

Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you today to speak on behalf of Skyler White. 

When I look at Miss White, all I see are two B's: Beauty and Brains. 

But some of you see a different pair of B's: Bossy Bitch. Others might pick up on a totally different duo of B's such as Ball-Buster or Busy-Body. 

But here's the thing: when most people on this planet think of B's, they conjure up images of honey, flowers and the sweet buzz of a summer morning. And that's what should be popping up in your mental projectors when you think about Skyler White. Like a feminine hygiene product ad. Nice to look at, a little icky when you give it some more thought, but it's something that's not only sometimes necessary, but makes everyone feel better too. Besides, don't we all have to deal with a douche or two in our lives?

Now what do we have here (opens file)...says that just over a year ago, she was an inattentive, disinterested...ooh, there's a word I can't say here. Who typed this up? 

Let me tell you something, you spin back the clock over a year ago, you'll see that Skyler White was simply trying to maintain her sanity.  She was a loving and caring mom, mired in an freeze-dried suburban snoozer of a marriage that would have sent lesser women into the clutches of the nearest available prescription fix. 

Wait, he's not in court today, is he? (looks around skittishly as Skyler shakes her head "no")  
Oh thank God. (straightens up and plows ahead)

Trust me, if you'd met her husband over a year ago, you would know EXACTLY what I mean.  That H in Walter H. White didn't stand for Hartwell, it stood for Ho-Hum. Cancer was the most exciting thing to happen to his life since the birth of their son. After spending so many years with a man who had a doctorate in dull, it's no wonder she's be more jacked about an eBay auction than jacking off Bill Nye the Science Guy.

(saunters back to table, take a peek at the file again)  Oh, I love this.  (gesticulates as he speaks)

First we have some grumble-bums wanting to toss my client in the river for NOT caring...then they want her burned at the stake for caring too much?  Yeah, that's right...because this woman didn't silently stand by her man, but wanted her man to live, she's been tarred and feathered as a...

(reads file again)

Really? That word again? (looks at Skyler and mutters) I'm sorry; my secretary clearly has a cicada up her caboose when it comes to you. (clears throat) IN ANY CASE, I don't see the issue here.  How could it be wrong to do or say anything to save the love of her life, the father of her children and the cause of many sleep-filled nights? Is caring now a crime? I say no. What else ya got?

(Skyler leans forward, whispering into Saul's ear)

Dead?  Fred?  The movie Drop Dead Fred?  What?  Oh...Ted. Yikes...(adjusts his tie)

Okay, so she stepped outside the marriage. So does every man who worked for that Sterling Cooper ad agency back in the 60's. So does every other cop in Los Angeles or mobster in New Jersey. What's the difference here? No, don't answer that, because I'm gonna tell you.  The difference is -- Skyler is a WOMAN. So if you're in favor of double standards and glass ceilings, then by all means paint the scarlet letters IFT on Miss White's face.

But put your brushes down for one minute and consider this: have a woman who finds out that her husband has been lying to her for months. Every day, every hour, lie after lie. And nothing she did could push this...this liar out the door. 

You see, Mister Pants on Fire had gone from a marshmallowy milquetoast to an immovable mountain. So this was my client's last play, her Hail Mary, and who doesn't love the most treasured play in all of football? It doesn't get more American than that, short of hotdogs on the fourth of July. So while you may see those blazing letters IFT -- all I see is USA. God bless America.

Are we done here?  There's more?  Let me see...

(mumbling to himself, only partially audible)

Accomplice...cover story...better launderer...(clears throat again)

It's my understanding that this is purely a court of public opinion, not a court of law.  Do we really need to dig through this checklist of criminal charges, knowing the precedent it will set for my last two clients? Really? (drums fingers on file for several seconds before a light goes off above his head)

Any of the alleged crimes Miss White may have committed, she did because she had no choice. She had less options than a menu in Kazakhstan. All she had was a need to protect the family she loved. Unlike some people, this was never a matter of pride or ego, it was solely about survival. So before you string her up, maybe loop that noose around your own pencil necks and think about what YOU would have done if you were in Miss White's (peeks under table) not-so dainty shoes.  

That closes the book on...what? One more? (sighs before taking one last look at the file, reading aloud) Her actions over the past several weeks and general deterioration of her relationship with her husband and family -- is this for real? (gives Skyler a sad look) Jesus, some people just don't like you. Maybe they're confusing you with some of those other AMC moms?  I dunno.

As for this last round of slanderous slurs, excuse me (air-quotes time) "charges" against my client, I ask the court to skip back a minute, scroll through those notes...there, see the part that begins with "Any of the alleged crimes"? Yeah, that works here too; it fits tighter than O.J.'s glove.

And that pretty much says it all. Like the kids say, haters gonna hate, and some will always see my client as the Laser Tag of people. Hopefully, there are more good folks like me who love a good game of running around in ridiculous outfits zapping each other.

The defense rests.

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