Several weeks ago, I churned out a two-part blog in which I spewed my opinions on the best and worst TV series finales of all time. Today I cough up a most ridiculous follow-up.
What if...one took two different final episodes and fused them together?
Would one end up with an offspring as creepy as the kid from Deliverance, as psychotic as King Joffrey or as disfigured as John Merrick?
Or would the final finale result inspire wide-eyed looks of wonder and murmurs of "It's beautiful" until all of our faces started melting? The possibilities are endless, which must be slightly ironic, since these are shows dealing with "the end". Wait, got a call coming in from Alanis Morissette. No, not even she would say that's in any way ironic. Oh Alanis, you're always the black fly in my Chardonnay.
Digression completed. Demolition Derby about to commence.
In the words of a certain wascally wabbit: "On with the show, this is it!"
CHEERS drunkenly collides with SIX FEET UNDER
After Sam Malone waves off a prospective customer with a simple "We're closed", he steps behind the bar. With a wistful smile, Sam wipes the spots where Norm and Cliff's beers often sit. He reaches underneath the bar and brings out an old shoebox, popping open the lid to gaze upon some old treasures. His first game ball, every Sam Malone baseball card...even his lucky bottle cap.
The scene dissolves with Sam exiting the bar and getting behind the wheel of his often talked about but never seen Corvette. He takes off down the road. We JUMP CUT to Sam zooming down the highway as the sun comes up. As we watch him drive with that same peaceful expression, we intercut to several gauzily shot final moments:
Two Weeks Later: Cliff is running for his life from several snarling dogs. He bolts into the street, turning around just in time to be pulverized by a beer truck.
Four Years Later: Carla storms the ice during a Boston Bruins game. She takes out three players before she gets smacked upside the head with a hockey stick. She's dead before her frizzy mopped head hits the ice.
Seven Years Later: Doritos are strewn everywhere, and a multitude of cats are walking across a body in a bathrobe. A rather obese body. But when we finally see the face...it's not Norm, it's Rebecca, and her lifeless face is blue except for her Dorito dust-encrusted lips.
Fifteen Years Later: Norm does a face plant right into a bowl of beer nuts. He's resuscitated, takes one last swig of beer, and then dies.
Nineteen Years Later: Governor Woody Boyd accidentally steps off a helicopter in mid-air.
Thirty Years Later: Head bowed, several scantily clad bimbos sob as one pulls the plus on the machines keeping the geriatric Sam Malone alive. But in the last fleeting moment of life in his eyes, it's the same zen-like acceptance that we see--
--as we cut back to Sam rolling the top down. He hits the gas as the Corvette speeds off into the ever-brightening horizon.
THE SOPRANOS loses control and slams into NEWHART
It's the final moment in the diner again. "Don't Stop Believing" is playing on the juke box as Tony, Anthony and Carmela are perusing the menu waiting for Meadow to arrive. She finally parks and makes her way across the street--
SMASH CUT TO BLACK
One second...five seconds...ten seconds. And then we hear Edie Falco's voice: "What the fuck?"
A light is turned on, and we see Edie Falco waking up in a room lined with shelves chock full of prescription drugs. She's under a sheet, sharing a small cot with another man, and when we initially see him, we think it's Carmela's old crush Father Phil.
But it's not.
It's Eddie the pharmacist -- and it's not Carmela...it's NURSE JACKIE.
"Fuck Eddie, I had the strangest dream. I was one of those Mob Wives living out in New Jersey."
"And was I your Don?"
"No, you were some fucking priest."
"Jackie, I think it's time to go into rehab again."
"Yeah...you're probably right. You know Eddie...you should wear more white collared shirts."
LOST goes into a tailspin and crashes into M*A*S*H
Sawyer grabs Kate by the arm, dragging her away from Jack.
"Don't worry. When you're up there, look to the west. I left you both something."
As the dramatic score builds, quick shots of Kate and Sawyer boarding the plane with Desmond, Frank and Claire are INTERCUT with shots of Jack staggering through the jungle and the reeds. The plane takes off as Jack falls to the ground, and it's the very same spot he awoke from the Oceanic 815 plane crash.
On the plane, although Sawyer and Kate are seat-belted in, they're craning their necks to look out the window. What could Jack have left them? Sawyer's eyes light up. "There! There it is!"
On the beach, they see the word "NAMASTE" written out in 20 foot letters made out of black stones...the same rocks Bernard tried to create an SOS message with so long ago.
Kate chokes back a tear, "Oh Jack..." Both she and Sawyer share a smile, until Sawyer points at the window again. "Wait, what about THAT?"
Several yards away, the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42 are spelled out with those same black stones. With a look of growing terror, Kate exclaims, "No, maybe THAT's what he meant!"
Across the same white sandy beach, more black rocks spell out the question:
"Who is Number One?"
"Son-of-a-bitch! Look at THAT!" Further up the shoreline, the words "Where's Annie?" are laid out in volcanic rock.
Sawyer and Kate look at each other again, but instead of sharing a smile, it's a look of utter confusion and dread.
CUT to Jack with a knowing smirk on his face as he watches the plane pass by overhead. As Vincent the dog lays beside him, he sputters his final words: "Now, you people really got some unsolved mysteries to bitch about..."
The "Suicide is Painless" theme music from M*A*S*H plays as Jack's eyes close. THE END???